Okay… it’s time for change. Lately, I’ve been deep in my own process of letting go and personal growth – whether I liked it or not.
It’s been a while since I wrote something. But hey — life happens. And lately… life really happened.
A lot has changed. More than we expected, more than we were ready for. We’re still in America, and we’re still happy here — I really mean that. But life feels a little more marked than before. A bit heavier around the edges.
There’s been loss. The kind you don’t really see coming — or sometimes the kind you do, which somehow makes it even harder. We’ve lost beautiful people. The kind of people who leave something behind just by being who they are, the way they look at life, the way they carry themselves. And both of them, in their own way, decided they couldn’t continue this life. Different reasons, different paths… same heartbreak. And the same kind of silence they leave behind. A space that doesn’t quite fill back up.
When we moved to America, this wasn’t the part we imagined. It’s still an adventure, it really is, but it’s not just the happy-beach-American-dream-life. There’s another side too. And I guess… this is also life.
If I had known all of this beforehand — would I still have made the move? 100%. Because even with everything, there’s still so much beauty here. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort to actually see it. But isn’t that true everywhere? No matter where you live, life throws things at you. Challenges, setbacks, things you didn’t ask for. But if you’re open to it, it also gives you moments that are priceless. Memories you can’t buy. Moments that stay with you.
The past six months I’ve also been looking a bit closer at myself. Where do I stand? Who am I? How do I respond to everything around me? And honestly… that hasn’t been easy. Some of it was confronting. Painful even. Realizing that certain friendships might not be what you thought they were. That maybe you’ve been holding onto an idea instead of what’s actually there. I kept asking myself: am I seeing this for what it is, or for what it used to be? And maybe even more honest — am I just not ready to let go of something that’s already gone?
I think it’s the last one.
Because holding on did something too. It drained me. Made me insecure. Made me sad. And letting go… everyone talks about it like it’s simple. But if you’re someone who wants to be kind to everyone, who puts yourself somewhere around spot number twenty, it doesn’t make your life better. I knew for a while that something had to change. Because if I don’t choose my own happiness — who will? And no, that doesn’t mean becoming selfish. Although let’s be honest… sometimes a little selfish is exactly what you need. And that’s okay.
A friend said something that stuck with me: it’s about accepting. Accepting what is, and not taking everything so personally.
Maybe this is what personal growth actually looks like – letting go of what no longer fits, even when it hurts.
So slowly, I started letting go. And also — something new for me — I started being quiet. Not trying to fix it, not trying to get back what was, just… stepping back. We have a saying in Dutch: why pull a dead horse? It gets you nowhere. So I stopped pulling.
And surprisingly… it works. Even though I’m not really a “silence” kind of person 😉 But that silence also brings things up. Moments where it just hits you. You’re lying awake at night thinking — where do I stand? Who am I to the people around me? Am I enough? And then the question flips… are they enough for me?
That’s when it helps to have the right people around you. The ones who ground you again, who pull you out of your own head. My “emergency line” back in the Netherlands definitely helps. And one sentence that stays with me every time: I see you, and you see me. Isn’t that what it’s about? Being seen, and being accepted exactly as you are. But maybe that’s also the hardest part… actually seeing each other.
The best decision I made this past year? I choose myself. And I choose my family. Always my family. Myself… still a work in progress 😉 The kids come first, in everything. And yes, it sounds easy when I say it feels right, but it’s not always easy. It can still feel confronting, lonely sometimes, even painful. But would I choose differently? No. 100%. Because even when it feels fucking lonely, I feel stronger. Less insecure. More okay with who I am. It feels like I’m finally standing for something — my own values, my own boundaries. And that feels powerful.
The Nothing Box…
Working out helps a lot with that. It’s my way of shutting everything off. The famous nothing box. Just training, hard, music in my ears, no noise in my head. I’ve always loved strength training — I know it makes me feel better, even on the days I really don’t feel like going.
Do you know the nothing box? That idea that you can just… think about nothing.
(Okay, let’s be real — your brain never fully shuts up.)
But apparently, there’s actual science behind it. It’s called the default mode network — basically the part of your brain that turns on when you’re not focused on anything. Sounds relaxing, right? But it’s also where all the overthinking lives.
So even when you think you’re doing “nothing”… your brain is busy replaying things, overanalyzing, planning, remembering — all the fun stuff 😅
Men supposedly do this a bit easier. One thought at a time. Just… nothing.
Honestly? Sounds amazing.
Meanwhile, women are running about fifty tabs at once. Constant switching, constant noise. Try turning that off…
But apparently, you can train it. Most people do it with mindfulness, calm and quiet.
My version?
Heavy weights.
Good music.
Full focus.
And maybe one day… I’ll get there without having to work for it 😉
But for now, I think this is where I am. Somewhere in between. Letting go, figuring things out, choosing what actually matters. And slowly realizing… maybe I already have more than enough.
